Dear HIV, you suck. Today I had a rough day because of you. I have to jump through hoops so I can afford to treat you. I have to think about you before I think about myself. I always have you in the back of my mind. Do you think about me?
Do you think about how you have changed my life? My love life? My finances? My health? My mind? My future?
Why did you choose me? Why do you choose anyone? What have we done to warrant your infection? Am I not a good person? Do I not help others? Is there something that drew you to me?
I have so many questions to ask you and yet I can get no answers. Why? Do you want to know what I think is the answer to that? It’s because you’re a coward. You don’t have reasons for anything. You don’t think about me or how you have changed the course of my life. But let me tell you something that you may not know. You will not win.
I will not submit to you. I am stronger than you are. I am a good person. I will find love. I will find peace in my life, even with you as a passenger in my body. I will be healthy, my mind will be strong, my future will be great. I may even have you to thank for that. You gave me the motivation to become stronger and ensure all of those things happen.
I know you’re fighting back. Trying to outsmart me at every turn. There will be days like today that you make my life miserable. That you make me feel like I cannot win, but it will only make me want to defeat you more. I may not know my calling in life, I may not know what tomorrow holds, but I am searching for that thing that will give meaning to my life, where yours has none.
I know you can learn, and evolve, but I can learn and evolve faster. I am one step ahead of you. I am your worst nightmare.
I will tell people about you. I will teach them that you are nothing to fear. That you can be beaten. That you are a coward. You hide in my body because you’re not strong enough to beat me. And that one day, and I pray I will witness the day, you will be wiped from this earth.
You will be nothing but a memory. A disease I once had, but overcame. I wish I could say this to you, but you are a coward. But I know you will feel it. With every fiber of my being at war with you, you will feel how strong I am and that I will not let you win.
HIV, you suck. But I will win.
HIVegan 
Hey Dan ~ Sorry you’re having a rough week. Sometimes it seems like it’s one thing after another. It can be really easy to let everything overwhelm you and become depressed. It’s also hard to trust God to provide when you feel like you’re walking upstream against the strongest current. We can trust God to provide, but we also have to do our part, right? I see you doing that. Your plan is in place. Trust God to provide the means for school ~ maybe you can check into scholarships or aide through state or federal funding or ?? We’ll think on it.
I see so much love and support from your family (me!! and Dad) and your many friends and colleagues. Take comfort from that and call on the Holy Spirit for the strength and peace that He can give ~ Isaiah 40:31 (. . .run and not be weary. . .) and Philippians 4:7 (peace that passeth all understanding). Love you so much!
Mom
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Thanks Momma! Love you too! 💜💜💜
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Kudos, Dan! Thanks for sharing – I, too, feel HIV has made me stronger and I view certain things in new light. It doesn’t help they charge more and more for the same drugs (I notice it on the receipts), but there are some positives that have come out of it – no pun intended 😝
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Thanks Markus! We basically have no choice but to be strong. It’s that or let it take over your life and give up and I’m not willing to do that. Now if I can just get the insurance company to not be ridiculous and expect me to pay $600 a month for a bottle of pills I’ll be great! Haha
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$600 for medication? What the actual fuck? I don’t understand how medical care can be so expensive!! Making money from health is a disgusting and immoral practice. I understand that the pharmaceutical companies need to cover costs, but at the point of delivery to the patient it should be free (or paid for through taxes). Governments in all countries have a duty to provide security (financial, medical, social, physical) for their citizens, otherwise why do they exist?
Hope you begin to feel better soon Dan. I admire your resilience and reading your blog puts my own meagre problems in perspective and gives me the motivation to just get on with it.
Keep up the fight!
Jon
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The medications full price is $2,200 for 30 pills actually lol. My cost is $600 a month with my health insurance. It doesn’t make any sense to me either. I felt better as soon as I wrote this 🙂 thanks for the support! I really appreciate it! ❤️
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Was it always $600 a month? Why has it increased?
Ontario makes me pay $180 every three months to cover those $2000-$3000 pills.
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Life would not be easy, even in the face of another challenge, another major difficulty, we have to pluck up the courage to brave to face all.Certainly, in the life still had many are unpleasant, but these are unpleasant are insufficient to change us to the happy experience.So far HIV treatment has not finally settled yet, in the last several tens of years, the advanced medical technology had made it is possible to let people live longer than before. I know that there are lots of people like you are HIV-positive patients with active treatment, no matter what difficulty you’re facing in your life, there is hope. so I think you should remain optimistic because you know you still can do so many things so well.
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